I’m gonna put on a iron shirt
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Sorry for the post drought. In the words of Richard Kylea Cowie, ‘Bumbahole work got in the way’. Yeah man. It’s frustrating when my pretend job - running a production company - gets in the way of my real job - writing a retarded blog.
Anyhow.
Don Gwaaardin and I were in Los Angeles shooting an interactive film for Range Rover. Lucy R Kelly produced it and the homies at Caviar LA facilitated it for us.
Here’s a picture of Lucy trying on some 50-inch-waist Dickies. OG.
I love LA because when you’re driving around you see shit like this:
The Hollywood High 16. People will debate what the biggest hammer done here is, but for me it has to be the Boss’s frontside flip over the rail in Baker 3.
The Caviar office is pure vibes. It has a little grassed area outside, complete with decking and a barbecue, where you can kick back and enjoy the sunshine. The parking lot is surrounded by duplex houses. One morning I spotted an elderly black man leaning over his balustrade. He wore a tan zoot suit with a matching fedora and tanda feather peaking from the brim. His face reminded me a little of Lee Scratch Perry’s. After a while he came down to see us in the garden and handed one of the creatives a note. We found out that his name was Keith.
‘One day I feel asleep on my bed when I awaken I was outside the tomb of King Solomon the son of King David King of Israel. Then I behold a jewel among the sins on the ground I picked it up and put it on. The jewel shon as bright as the sun and it made me shine from within from that day when I accepted and put on the jewel I was made free from the sins of the world. And made more whole. Or Holy.’
At first this text confused me. But a day or so later it made more sense after the peeps at Supreme smoked me out in their parking lot. Mmmm. Let me hit it again. Wwffffffffff. Oh shit. Cough. Hit it too hard. Cough. Cough. Heart racing. Mind chasing. What? That weird fucking note. Fuck. Maybe it’s a message from Jah. It must be. For we all know that emperor Haile Selassie of Ethiopia, whose pre-regnal title was Ras Tafari, claimed to be a direct descendant of King Solomon. And Selassie’s adherents - the Rastafarians - believed that he was another incarnation of God, known to them as Jah. Nah. I’m cooked. B. U. T. Kush fear. Cold sweating. What if I’m in Babylon? Surrounded by sin. S. I. N. Fuck. Satan is an evilous man. But him can’t chocks it on I-man. Jah bless me. The lily of the valley. The Jewel. Oh shit. I think I need a lie down. Or an iced tea.
Thankfully this wasn’t the only wisdom we received: during the tech scout, we stopped off at Koo Koo Roo for lunch - no one else wanted to go to Roscoe’s House of Chicken ‘n’ Waffles - and cracked open a fortune cookie for desert, which contained the following kismet:
Leo Fitzpatrick played the lead role in our film. Yep. Range Rover are cool. They signed off on an actor best known for his roles as Telly, The Virgin Surgeon, in ‘Kids’, and Johnny Weeks, Bubbles’ smack addicted friend, in ‘The Wire’.
A long shoot can present some problems. Like running out of pants. Luckily, on a very rainy Sunday, after almost two days without a change, I found a liquor store in Korea Town that hooked me up. At first I didn’t know whether to draw for the ‘Pro-Clubs’, but in the end I was swayed by Knockers’ premium range, the ‘High Lites’. $5.99 for three pairs. Safe.
It’s actually amazing what you can buy in liquor stores. You could easily walk out of most of them with an entire outfit, right down to track pants, hoodie and a knock off, acrylic beanie. Just make sure you don’t leave without the essentials - Blunt Wraps and a Swisher.
One liquor store that I went to in Encino still carried some Four Loko dead-stock.
Four Loko is basically a caffeinated malt liquor with added guarana. An Illinios based company called Phusion Projects launched the product in 2005. A combination of field marketing in deprived areas, cheap prices, and sweet fruity flavours, including grape and watermelon, led many to accuse the brand of targeting the defenseless.
‘Jeff. It’s Larry. I’m good. How are the kids? Great. Glad to hear it. Hey listen, I think I’ve thought of a new way to exploit vulnerable, disenfranchised black people. OK. We know they love forties. You’ve heard all the rap songs. So what about a malt beer that gets you more fucked up than you can imagine, but keeps you awake long enough to buy more of it? I know. Fuckin-A. I can’t believe Pabst haven’t thought of this shit. Dumb-asses.’
In 2010 a number of states banned the sale of Four Loko after a spate of injuries and blackouts related to its consumption. And then earlier this year a mother in Texas was charged with child endangerment after her toddler was found staggering around their parking lot drunk, having quaffed a can of Four Loko while her mommy was passed out in front of the TV.
I dunno man. I think I’ll stick to Barcardi Breezers.
The Range Rover film launches on the 19th April.
